The Caveat Lector
Love, Casual Text and Those Damn Chinese Organ Thieves
by chris robison
 
There is a common misconception that anyone who looks for love on the Internet must be aesthetically challenged, socially retarded, heavily medicated or in some way mentally unstable. Although I happen to fall into most of those categories, I`d argue that personal shortcoming are not the true underlying reason some people opt for cyberspace and forego the more traditional venues of smoke filled bars and strobe lit dance clubs.
 
As terribly unromantic as it may sound, the real appeal of the wired world is efficiency. As any graduate knows, once you leave college your dating pool shrinks considerably. Where once you had hundreds of co-eds and dozens of weekend parties to choose from, the postgraduate is reduced to just the people from work and a few friends. If you`re over twenty-three, it gets even worse. The marriage bug usually hits around that age and one day you wake up to realize that every eligible female you know is now engaged, married or otherwise off the market. Not only has your dating pool shrunk, it`s been chlorinated and drained.
 
So meeting single people with similar interests has become a bit of a logistical challenge for this middle aged twenty-something. Being somewhat reserved in nature and not much of a big drinker, the bar scene never appealed to me. The club scene was never really a valid option either because I can`t dance. At all. Whereas some guys can prowl the dance floor with the grace of a jungle cat, I lurch about like a stroke victim undergoing physical therapy. So with both clubs and bars out, and placing a personal in the paper feeling about as dignified as picking up chicks at a family reunion, the Internet seems like a reasonable alternative.
 
When I started exploring the Internet scene I did what any newbie would do. I wandered aimlessly from chatroom to chatroom. While chatrooms might seem like a logical place to start when looking for people of similar age and interests; most twenty-somethings would be better off avoiding them. What I discovered was that although all the chatrooms I visited had different themes and different names, the median age of its occupants always seemed to be about fourteen. Another drawback I quickly discovered is that with everyone typing at once and vying for attention, the emphasis in chatrooms tends to be on speed rather then content. You can type the wittiest or most thoughtful paragraph in the world, but it will only stay on the screen for a split second before it is scrolled out of view. Typing in textual grunts with sentences comprised of no more then three or four words (two or more of which are invariably profanities) is the norm for just about any chatroom. Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against colorful euphemisms, but it is no substitute for actual wit. Peppering profanities into ones writing does not make you any more interesting or charming then typing IN ALL CAPS does or adding a lot of exclamation points at the end of your sentence!!!!!!
 
Eventually a friend clued me into the joys of instant messaging. For our Amish readers, who might not be familiar with the concept, instant messaging can best be described as a chatroom for two. A cozy candle lit table tucked away in the corner of cyberspace without any screaming brats sitting in the next booth. Using an Instant Messaging program such as Yahoo or ICQ you can search through users profiles and send messages to anyone who you`d like to chat with. Basically it`s pretty similar to picking up someone at the bar. You spot someone you like, you introduce yourself, and they either talk to you or they ignore you. Although the approaches are similar, cyberspace offers the better deal. You don`t have to buy anyone a drink or risk getting into a fight with a jealous boyfriend who spots you talking to �his girl� on his way back from the bathroom.
 
Just like in real life, striking up conversations with strangers online is a hit and miss proposition. Some people like to chat, others only reply in one-word grunts, and others ignore you completely. When I run into someone that isn`t all that interesting I try to liven things up.  Once I successfully convinced a girl that I was one of the notorious Chinese organ thieves that drugged traveling businessmen and stole their kidneys. I started typing to her in broken English and told her I was a Chinese medical student studying at Columbia University. Throughout the conversation I kept dropping hints about a dark secret I was harboring. "This secret, it haunts me. I just wish I had someone that I could--how you say?--explode my emotions all over." After a few pleas for disclosure I eventually reveal that, yes, I was an organ thief. I explained that I was being forced to do it. A group of well-financed Chinese Americans told me that I could bring my family with me to America out of Communist China for a fee. The fee turned out to be close to $500,000 and my family (including my diabetic sister Soon-Yi) had to work in a sweatshop in New York making sneakers until I paid the fee in full. Since I was going to medical school and had medical training the mysterious Chinese Americans offered me a chance to work with the organ thieves. At $10,000 a kidney I decided it was the only way to get my family out of the sweatshop.
 
A lie? I prefer to think of it more as living theatre. Free entertainment. Everyone exaggerates a little when they`re online. Part of the fun of cyberspace is that you don`t necessarily have to be yourself. You can explore different interests and different aspects of your personality without fear. With those wonderful buffer zones of distance and anonymity you can feel free to say whatever you want to say, even things that you might be too embarrassed to say in the real world. Which brings me to my last bit of advice.
 
Just say no to cybersex. It`s not nearly as much fun as it sounds. But for those of you determined to make keystroke a dirty word, let me offer a few suggestions. Make sure you have a partner that can spell and has a good command of the English language. There is nothing that kills the mood faster then reading about her �firm bests� and her �long, silky kegs.� Heat of the moment or not, there`s no excuse not to spell check or edit. Also, make sure you schedule any romantic rendezvous` during low traffic times when the phone lines are not congested. During times of heavy traffic it`s easy to get kicked offline, and there`s nothing more embarrassing then not being able to keep your connection up or prematurely logging off. Last but not least, always use protection when having casual text with someone you don`t know. There are just too many viruses out there these days. If your floppy drive appears red, swollen and tender to the touch, please see a technician immediately.