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| The Nice Guys Survival Guide |
| by chris robison |
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| (An email forward brought to you by the creators of the �Chinese Organ Thieves� urban legend and the �Send This Hug To Twelve People Or Die Horribly� chain letter). |
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| Are you a �Nice Guy?� |
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| Do you find yourself giving 110% to a relationship only to wind up thousands of dollars in debt and living in a cardboard box behind a gas station? Does it seem like you just drift from one miserable relationship to the next? |
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| If this sounds like you then this email may SAVE YOUR LIFE! |
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| Years ago I was diagnosed by as being an NG (Nice Guy). I didn`t think much of it at the time, but later I realized that being an NG is a serious condition that (if left untreated) inevitably results in depression, bad credit, destruction of private property and the loss of friends and family. By the time I was diagnosed as being an NG sufferer I was already evicted from my apartment and paying off a $1,700 phone bill my live-in girlfriend had run up. Being an NG was ruining my life, so I spent the next year researching all that I could about my condition. Here is what I`ve discovered. |
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| There are 3 main types of NG`s: |
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| THE WHITE KNIGHT - This type of NG believes that he can solve your problems. Like a modern day Don Quixote he sees giants instead of windmills (or, better still, sees good natured damsels in distress instead of manipulative and lazy shrews waiting for a father figure to come along a fix their broken lives for them). The White Knight foolishly believes that whatever problems his lady fair is having, if he can fix them then she will love him. |
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| THE THERAPIST - This type of NG suffers from being a good listener and from being genuinely concerned about the happiness of others. It is because of these two glaring flaws that this NG invariably ends up in relationships where he spends the majority of his time saying, �How does that make you feel?� and �Why do you think you feel this way?� Whereas the White Knight spends his time battling ex-boyfriends or fixing a car that is always breaking down, the poor Therapist spends hours listening to her discuss the various traumas that have plagued her throughout her life. From having a poor body image in high school to the boy that dumped her in 6th grade, the Therapist believes that if he can heal her many emotional problems she will love him. |
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| THE LOSER - This NG has no self-confidence. Although considered by all who meet him to be funny, good-natured and a great friend�he thinks that he`s a loser and acts accordingly. Lacking the confidence to go out and pick up women, he is forced to stand back and wait for women approach him. Unfortunately for this NG, a lack of confidence in the wild jungle of relationships is the same as being a wounded zebra staggering past a pride of lions. The ones that do approach this NG see only easy prey, but the poor deluded Loser is so starved for any attention that he is actually thrilled to have a lion gnawing on his hindquarter. |
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| Those are the 3 main NG personality types. Review the categories carefully and see which one best describes you. Now let`s move on and review the 3 main categories of women that prey on NG`s. If you truly are an NG then you`ve differently dated (lived with/married/been stalked by/gone to court because of) at least one woman that falls into the categories below. |
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| THE DRAMA QUEEN - This distinctive creature has powerful legs that she uses to leap from one crisis to the next. This personality type suffers from a severe persecution complex and spends the majority of her time hanging on crosses and bearing the sins of the world on her thorny crown. Other identifying characteristics include excessive wailing, weeping and irrational explosions of anger. |
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| THE SLACKER PRINCESS - Always between jobs or just �a few dollars short.� Date the Princess for a week and you`ll be reaching for your wallet with such frequency that you`ll tear a rotator cuff. �I left my purse in the car�can you pay for dinner? Can you put gas in my car? Mind if I call my friend in Japan real quick? I forgot to cash my check�can you loan me some money till I can get to the bank?� |
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| THE KLINGON - Slang for �clings on.� This personality type has no self-confidence and relies on you to keep her doubts and fears of worthlessness at bay. Since she can`t say anything nice about herself, she needs you to do it. Constantly. Identifying characteristics include obsessive calling and paging (obsessive being defined as twice a day, everyday) just to say �Hi.� Any attempt whatsoever on the NG`s part to obtain a whole day of freedom is met with extreme resistance and cries of �You don`t love me anymore!� and �If you want to break up with me just say so! Stop playing these games!� |
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| How do you know if you`re dating one of these 3 common personality types? Take this simple quiz: |
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| 1) She`s always taking about how her friends are �two-faced.� |
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| 2) She takes everything (from the cable going out to the changing of the seasons) as a direct personal attack against her. |
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| 3) She is never wrong. Any suggestion that she may/possibly/just a tiny bit be over reacting is met with this response: �Oh, I forgot! You`re Mr. Perfect! Everything has to be my fault! I`m the bitch! I`m stupid! I`m always wrong! Well fuck you asshole!� |
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| 4) The only time you ever hear her say she`s sorry is to a judge after she explains why she set your apartment on fire. |
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| Sound familiar? RUN! You`re dating a Drama Queen! |
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| MYTH - You can solve her problems. |
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| FACT - The Drama Queen LIVES for problems. She thrives on the excitement and the attention and there will always be a new crisis�even if she has to invent one. |
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| Let`s try another one. |
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| 1) The excuses you used to get a day off from work are now the same excuses you use to get a day off from her. |
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| 2) She stops seeing her other friends and won`t leave the house or go out unless it`s with you. |
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| 3) She calls you every 30 mins just to say �Hi� |
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| 4) She thinks the restraining order you issued against her means that you should move in together. |
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| Sound familiar? RUN! You`re dating a Klingon! |
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| MYTH - Wow. If she`s paying me this much attention, she must really love me. |
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| FACT - This personality type suffers from raging insecurity. She can`t say or think nice things about herself, so she constantly calls you to do it. But like all junkies eventually all the �I Love You`s� in the world won`t make her happy. In the long run, she`ll self-destruct and so will the relationship. Either you`ll get fed up with her or she`ll find a way to sabotage it because she`s convinced that she doesn`t deserve to be happy. |
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| And finally� |
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| 1) Constantly talks about how much she hates her job (or how much she hated her old job if she`s unemployed) |
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| 2) Gets sexual aroused every time you use your ATM card. |
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| 3) Never seems to have any money, but has no problem spending yours. |
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| 4) Becomes unusually angry if you can`t afford to buy her something she wants. |
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| Sound familiar? RUN! You`re dating a Slacker Princess. |
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| MYTH - She wants to work. Really. |
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| FACT - The Slacker Princess is a prostitute. So long as you constantly give her money and buy her what she wants, you`ll get laid on a regular basis. She doesn`t want to grow up and get a real job, so she`s looking for a daddy-figure to take care of her. The longer you stay with an SP the deeper in debt you`ll get. When the money runs out, so will she. And take all your furniture with her. |
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| Those are the 3 main Nice Guy personality types and the 3 main personality types of women who prey on the NG`s. Please forward this e-mail to whatever poor Nice Guy you think might benefit from it. |
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